Depression has always been there , it’s more of a characteristic trait than a mental illness. Every since I can remember I’ve always felt a heavy feeling something heavy was on the chest but at nine years old how do you explain that? I’ve been fighting a battle that I know I will one day, will lose. I’ve tried everything from therapy to inpatient therapy , I feel like depression and I are one in the same. I wake up with it , I go to sleep with it. I wish I was normal I wish the things that happened to me never did but if I keep dwelling on it how is it supposed to leave. Depression is everywhere even when I’m laughing it stays in the back of my mind like it’s on a timer to be released. Staying strong is getting harder to maintain, the facade is breaking and the worst thing is that my biggest fear to be vulnerable and letting people see who I really am.
Trying to defeat my demons while raising two young kids is tiring , having a daughter with a physical disability caused so much postpartum when she was born and it always feels like I failed her. I’ve always knew I wanted to have kids but I never thought in a million years that the reason of them being here wouldn’t be strong enough to flirt with the idea of suicide. In the beginning I would get these dark thoughts and the thought of sawyer and jack would stop them in its tracks but is it strong enough now ? Their faces and laughter doesn’t seem to keep me hanging on anymore. That’s not even the worst part , the worst part is that I’m not afraid to actually kill myself anymore. No doubt , no after thought just to execute the deed.
Am I exhausted ? Absolutely, I wanna stop and be better , do better , raise my kids see them grow but in reality the chances of that happening are becoming slim. The battles I endured destroyed my mental state , watching my mother be dragged like a ragged doll , the abuse that I endured to protect her , the sexual abuse at the age of nine destroyed my innocents , the lack of acceptance and love from my parents drove me head first into useless relationships. The never ending to be validated is embarrassing, the lack of my ability to show affection is something I hear as a complaint more than a complement. How do you turn off your survival instinct and turn it into a loving , caring and positive way. I’ve had to fight for 85 percent of my life and I’m not even thirty yet. Being locked in dog cages and stabbed with a broom over and over again caused so much anger , the god complex came when I survived the murder attempt from my step father. Being pushed to the side by my mother because I wasn’t her “ favorite “ caused me to disassociate myself with reality.
I was once a happy kid , played basketball on my block , hung out on the stoop while The Fugees played in our living room. Always cracking jokes with my siblings , hearing their laugher made my heart fill with love, going to the park and go fishing. Every thing was good , no depression or thoughts of ending it all. Used to get excited for movie nights going to blockbuster and getting Chinese food , watching the greatest movies with my mom. It was against the world , jamming out to freestyle music while she let the wind go through her red hair singing and laughing. Unfortunately things changed and now those memories are buried with ones that made her be the villain of my stories , it wasn’t something I wanted but she forced my hand. Out of sight and out of mind, I know she singly handed destroyed me and now what I deal with is the result of what she failed too do as a parent.